There Once Was a Man from Nantucket...

Kong was suppose to go to work after we voted on 11/6/12 but ditched and hung out with me.  We love being together but we are super unproductive when we are.  We mess around all day getting nothing accomplished.

Anyone who knows Kong and I know that we are probably the least romantic couple on earth.  We don't buy each other birthday gifts (or any holiday gifts), we celebrate our anniversary with our kids doing family things, we rarely ever go on dates, but we spend all of our spare time together.  It is in these times when we are alone that remind me that only we could have been with each other.  Does that make any sense?  Example...

The other night after a late work out we had energy to burn.  We were laying in bed at around midnight talking and I turned over and said to him, "Babe, you're turning 40 in a few weeks.  Before we know it we will be dead.  We should cherish every moment we have together and be conscious about how we love the girls."  Then I broke out in song singing Cherish the love by Cool and the Gang.  In the chorus I made sure not to leave out the seagull part.  Kong busted out laughing and said there is no such sound made in the song.

We decided that we needed to find the answer so at 1am in the morning we googled Cherish the Love.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to find the original version of this song?  It's not out there and if it is, please send it to us.  Anyway, after much time surfing Youtube we found a kareokee version which we hoped would have that small sound bite.  We kareokeed the entire song and to our disappointment the bird part was not a part of this version.

After much laughing at how bad our karaoking was we started talking about romance and why we aren't more romantic.  I asked Kong if he would sing to me or write me a poem.  Again, after much laughter at the thought he straightened himself out (or as much as he could since we were laying in bed) and began to compose a poem.  Then he started...There once was a girl name Hortense.  You don't want to hear the rest because it had to do with large breasts.   Although entertaining, I doubted its an originality so I asked him to be serious hence he started again.  There once was a man from Nantucket.  Needless to say, the second poem was no more romantic than the first nor was it any cleaner.

When we finally calmed down from all the laughing I realized two things.  One, poems that start with there once was a man from Nantucket never end well, and two, my husband may not sing to me, write poems, dance with me, or buy me jewelry but he does make me laugh.  Gut busting laughing to be exact but I wouldn't want it any other way.  I guarantee that we are probably not that funny, charming or witty but to each other we are the bomb!  I'm not sure if anyone else would have appreciated who we truly are.

My feeling is, when your children have to talk with you in the morning about being woken up because of loud, uncontrollable laughter in the middle of the night, I think it's a good sign that all is well.  I enjoy my husband as much now if not more than I did when we first met at 20 years of age and I hope for many more years of no romance but uncontrollable laughter.

Love you babe.  Happy almost 40th birthday.

Major Fail!

Ayden - Working on a school project - 11/29/2012

When I took the picture above I had no idea that just a few hours later the most horrific moment of my parenting career would occur.  If an award for crappiest parent alive existed I would be the undisputed champion.  Yes, I kid you not.  Let me tell you why.

Ayden was working on a painting for a book project.  She spent hours working on this project.  You see all the green on the canvas?  Those are blades of grass each meticulously drawn then carefully painted in with the smallest brush in the house.  Behind each blade of grass is blue sky.  I wondered what she was going to do with the white space but told myself, "Whatever she does or does not do with it is up to her.  Give her the creative freedom to do what she wants."  Proud of myself for having not said anything I left to Kuk Sool with Taylor.

Upon my return it was late.  Ayden should have been asleep but she came running down to show me her finish work.  The first thing I noticed was that she wrote the title of the book in the white space in beautiful cursive but it was illegible because she drew this thick black line under it and made some weird design around it.  Without thinking I asked her why she drew the line and proceeded to tell her my thoughts around it.  When she realized she had disappointed me she started to make up excuses about it and then the conversation went from bad to worse.  I said crappy things like, "If you are going to work so hard on something you should make it the best work you can do", "You need to think through your projects before you execute" and my favorite, "More is not better".  I also roped my poor husband in and yelled at him for not doing his job as a parent by not overseeing her work (which included a poorly written report about her community service work).

Then as nicely as he could, and in his broken Hmong as to protect my child's feelings, he proceed to tell me the following.

• She was so proud of her work that she couldn't sleep.
• Every time she heard a car door shut she thought it might be you and would spring out of bed.
• She was afraid she would fall asleep before you got home so she asked me to hide her painting so that you wouldn't see it.  She wanted to surprise you in the morning and in person.
• She was so excited about her painting that while in bed all she could do was wonder what you would think of it and if you would be proud of her.

As I listened and watched tears stream down my child's face I wanted to die. I had completely dismissed the fact that she spent over 3 hours on this painting, how beautiful the rest of her painting was, her use of colors (she mixed the colors herself to achieve the balance she was looking for), but most importantly I dismissed how much she values me and my opinion.

There was nothing I could do to take back what was said or repair her heart.  I asked her how my comments made her feel.  Then I validated her feelings, assured her that her painting was not ugly, that she is a good person, that I appreciate the hard work she puts into her homework and that I was wrong for the things I said.  I did my best to put the pieces back together but I know that that effort fell short.

She went to bed without tears but I know that she will never forget this incident.  Every time she has self doubt or thinks negatively about herself I will always wonder if this was the pivotal moment that she learned she is not good enough.  I guess I'll never know. 

I do have to also publicly apologize to my husband.  Although he has very little experience with overseeing the girls homework, he did the right thing.  He allowed her to do her work and accepted the outcome.  He did not judge, try to influence or correct her.  He let  her own her work. Thank you daddy. 

Reflections from a 13 Year Old's Birthday Party

 (Fun Dance Video from the Birthday Sleep Over)

This past weekend we celebrated Taylor’s golden birthday.  My little girl is now a teenager.  I have to admit, as much as I excitedly anticipated this important milestone, I was also extremely worried.  Each year Taylor gets older I come closer and closer to having to face my fear of how she will make it in the real world.  At times, she appears as indecisive, a push over, weak, and someone who wears her emotions on her sleeves.  However, this weekend I found new respect and overwhelming love for my child. 

To start, my child decided that for her birthday she would take her friends to Feed My Starving Children to do volunteer work.  She invited 8 of her closest friends to share in this experience.  On the drive up to FMSC, I was pleasantly surprised by these young women.  Yes, like all teenage girls they talked nonstop but it was what they were talking about that just amazed me.  They talked about the Presidential and Vice Presidential debates.   They touched on the marriage amendment and the voter id proposal.  They discussed homosexuality, art, theater and music.  They shared their feelings on these issues, what the media was saying, and what it means to be a conservative or liberal.

Throughout the entire weekend I saw these amazing girls interact with each other and everyone else around them with an enormous amount of respect.  They took turns; helped each other; did not judge others with different values, thoughts or opinions; they validated other people’s point of view; they worked together to accomplish everything; they never criticized anyone nor did they ever once put anyone down or talk about others in a negative way.  

I saw a side of my child that I had never seen before.  Taylor was funny, witty, decisive, caring, and thoughtful and was able to take charge when needed.  Furthermore, she collaborated, inspired, and encouraged.   I had to take pause.  I realized my child is so much more equipped to take on this world than I was.  She has been smart enough to surround herself with friends who hold similar values as she does.   She is true to herself and her strengths but more importantly, she acknowledges where she needs development.  She supports those around her but also knows when to remove herself from the undue drama and negativity of others.

As I reflected on this weekend I had a few revelations.

• That I am way too hard on Taylor.  I need to dial down the scolding and yelling because all it does is undermine her confidence to make decisions.  She appears indecisive because she is trying to figure out what she is suppose to do to make us happy or what we will think is “right”.
• I need to tell her more often how much I appreciate her.  She is thoughtful, kind, and loving.  That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have her teenage moments but when these moments occur (which truly are far and few), I have to just leave them be.
•  I have to stop punishing her emotionally when she makes mistakes.  I can say the same things to her but in a tone that is loving.

I could not be more proud of Taylor and the amazing group of girls she calls her friends.  I am truly lucky to have been blessed to be given the role as her guide in this life. 

The Giving Tree

When I first read The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein, all I could think was how inconsiderate the kid in the story was.  How could he take advantage of the tree like that?   What was wrong with that tree?  I loathed this story for many years.  Then, I had kids.  My profound love for my children; how I would do my best to give them the world; how I would go to all ends to protect them and even die to defend them opened my eyes to a new way of seeing this story.

I read The Giving Tree again with my girls when they were younger and it made me weep.  Not from sadness but from overwhelming love.  I may be completely wrong about this but I feel Shel Silverstein wasn’t trying to tell us we should completely sacrifice ourselves for our kids.  I think that he meant for us to learn from the book.  Giving your children too much, not allowing your children to experience the consequences of their actions/decisions, and not setting boundaries for them is a detriment to not just them but also to us. 

Then again, maybe it is just a story about the unconditional love parents/guardians have for their children.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that this book did have a profound impact on my parenting style.  I fight the urge to give my kids everything and do everything for them.  I don't always come to their rescue or comfort them when they feel hurt.  I empower them by showing them they are capable of finding the solutions they need to make what they want (and ultimately their dreams) come true.  I will always love my girls and I know they will always love me but in the end, I will not be a lonely stump nor will they be selfish.  We will be whole, complete and mutually respectful beings who lived up to our full potential and became who/what we were intended to become.

Regardless of Shel Silverstein’s intention, I have grown as an individual because of this book and I am thankful for it.

All Grown Up

This week Taylor left on her 100 mile bike trip with her school.  She packed all her gear, got herself ready and handled all the details on her own.  Taylor is responsible, kind, and thoughtful with a pinch of spice (nice word for temper).  No longer my little girl...she's all grown up.

As I think about the 12 years I have been her mother I have come to realize a few things.

1.  It went by way too fast.  I remember her cute chubby face, her baby rolls and her froggy little voice as if there were all present just yesterday.  Don't waste any time in loving those around you.

2.  When people say, "Don't worry,____________ is not a reflection of you or your parenting" that this is not true.  I see how Taylor has grown and it is very clear that the good, along with the bad, came from both Kong and I.  They are a direct result of our genetics and our teachings.  This is true motivation for continuing to find ways to be the best parent I can be.

3.  I have to learn let go.  I think I have had the hardest time doing this.  I want to control all that is in my environment, which includes people.  I know this is wrong but I just can't help myself.  Letting go and letting my girls become who they should be has been difficult but I will persevere.

4.  Live in the moment.  I want to treat my girls like they are still my babies.  Holding on to the past is preventing me from truly living and enjoying the moment.  I have to remember that each stage of their life shapes who they will become.  Don't let the moment go unnoticed or unappreciated.

Today I will remember to let go, not dwell in the past, live in the moment, and appreciate life for all that it is.

Spring Surprise

The girls with Senator Amy Klobuchar

Spring has sprung and will the warmth, beauty and wonders that accompany this amazing season comes something not so amazing that affects 20% to 50% of Americans, Allergies (WebMD).  If you are a "numbers guy" as my lovely husband puts it, you know based on that statistic that one to two people in a house hold of four will have allergies. Unfortunately for my poor Taylor, she's the person who suffers this fate.

Fortunately for her, this year, she has had no symptoms of allergies.  Why, you ask?  The only thing I can attribute this to is our change in diet.  She has suffered allergies since she was about five or six years old.  It usually plagues her from spring, on and off during the summer, and into the fall.

Although I have no scientific evidence that proves a vegan diet is the cure for allergies, what I do know is that she no longer has them.  In addition to having no allergies, I have noticed that my girls are stronger and more physically fit too.  They are doing the same level of activities as before the diet change but Ayden's six pack abs are more defined and Taylor has developed very nice shoulders/deltoids.  This sounds contrary to what people think of vegan, no meat protein no muscle, but it's true.

For those looking to relieve their spring allergies without being medicated, I truly do suggest a switch in diet.  You'll be able to breath, sleep and feel so much better.

Vegan Journey

With February coming to a close, this marks the two month mile stone of our family's transition to a meatless, non-dairy, more plant based life style. Yes, we modify what we eat when we are outside of our home.  Is it cheating?  I say "no".  It's just impossible to maintain a vegan lifestyle in the broader community.  Even with the exceptions we are reaping numerous benefits to this life style change. 

• Weight Loss: Kong and I together have lost a total weight of 45 pounds. Ayden weighs 45 pounds. We have, in essence, lost a small child.
• Energy: Our family has more energy and we are more active.
• Emotions:  Advocates say cutting out gluten, sugars, processed foods, etc...is good for autism.  I say it's good for everyone.  It almost feels like our minds are more clear and we make decisions that are less driven by emotions.  This is especially true for me.
• Addiction:  Food is such an addiction.  Our bodies no longer have overwhelming cravings.  (More to come on this topic in the future).

The most important change as been to see how we have reset our bodies.  When we do come upon the occasion where we do consume processed food, dairy or eggs, our bodies reacts immediately.  We feel sick, have headaches or become very lathargic.  Our bodies normal survival mechanism that tells us something is not good kicks into high gear.  Kong looks at this as a curse instead of a blessing : )

Many people have asked us why the change.  Truth is, we had been slowly changing our eating habits over the course of six years.  We had already cut out red meats, white bread/rice, and cut down on eating out and fast foods.  Watching Forks over Knives is what really gave us the push to make the full change.  That and the food miracles we witnessed first hand (More to come on this topic also).

I would encourage everyone to watch Forks over Knives.  It will change your life.  Attached is the trailer.  Enjoy and healthy living!