Election Eve

I was weepy all day yesterday.  Everything put me on verge of tears and at times, I flat out just cried.  I'm not a crier (because I prefer to use humor to mask my sadness) so I wasn't quite sure what was causing this.  I suspect it had something to do with weeks of only getting 4.5-5.5 hours of sleep coupled with the other things? Maybe?

Earlier in the day I called a good friend of mine to check in on her.  Her mom passed a few weeks back.  With the nonstop campaigning I was doing and her always busy schedule, we hadn't had time to check in.  To learn in that conversation that her mother went in for surgery to address issues with her colon and she ended up with COVID-19 and pass from that was devastating.  The hospital said she must have been asymptomatic when she was admitted but the family knew better.  They all got tested and everyone came back negative.  Her mother hadn't gone anywhere for months.  How could this be.

My heart broke hearing my dear friends voice shake as she cried through the details was heartbreaking.  The helplessness of believing someone would come home then unexpectedly being told they are on life support with lungs filled with fluid.  The devastation of not being able to hold that person's hand and be at their side as they leave this world.  Her mom was the rock of their family and someone she truly loved and respected.  All I could do was cry with her.

After that moment, I could not get that weary and sad feeling out of my heart.  I just couldn't understand.  Started thinking about how COVID-19 has disproportionately impacted communities of color and how this POTUS has done nothing to protect the people of America.  Not only had he done nothing but he made the AAPI community an even bigger target with his hateful rhetoric calling COVID-19 the Wuhan, Chinese, and Kung flu.  He encouraged those harboring hate towards BIPOC people with these words leading to a increase in violence, crime, and hate towards the AAPI community.  I was angry at this human being for having no empathy, care, or decency towards anyone else but himself.

After the anger, I was still just left with sadness.  Knowing that no matter what happens in the election, my dear friend's mom will still no longer be with us.  Over 200,000 people who died from COVID-19 will still no longer be with us.  My head was hurting, my eyes were puffy, my body was achy, and my I felt like I was starting to come down with something.  I was only 5:30 and I was ready to call it a night.  I had signed up to join an AAPI for Biden phone bank but I was ready to skip out of it.

Something in me told me to just hop on for a few minutes.  Begrudgingly, I did.  I am so glad that I did.  Seeing all of my AAPI brothers and sisters on made warmed my heart.  Before anything substantially happened, I already started tearing up.  Then South Indian musician ZeshanB performed his original piece, Brown Power, and I just lost it.  It was soulful, modern, and classic all at once.  When he switched over into his native tongue, I my heart just knew what he was singing about without understanding one word.  I felt like he was singing to my soul.

Then I heard from Malik Pancholy (30 Rock, Finneas and Ferb and also worked in the Obama administration), Mouzam Makkah (Vampire Diaries), and Usman Ally (Veep) and every word they said gave me permission to let my heart sit in the pain and sorry it was feeling but it also encouraged my heart to keep fighting.  With one day left, there was still much we could do to get as many people out to vote as possible.  So I did.  I stayed on and called almost 100 people.  Truthfully, had Google Voice not locked me out (because supposedly, I had violate some policy with my mad phone banking skills), I would have made 100 calls.  

I cried three times during that zoom but it was the medicine I needed.  My headache went away and I felt like a new person.  Today, I haven't felt the need to cry, not even one time.  Today, I am hopeful and optimistic about what the future will bring because I have hope that our country will choose decency, compassion, and love over what the we've seen the last four years.  I hope the American people do not fail me and I am right.  We'll know if a new hours.  Fingers crossed.

BTW, I ended up crying one last time on the night of 11/2.  I joined a zoom to encourage my House colleagues in vulnerable districts to keep pressing on.  Instead of firing them up, I just made everyone sad.  Yeah, not one of my more inspirational moments.  

Mother's Day

Mother's Day?   I loved seeing all of the Facebook posts today of how people celebrated Mother's Day.  There seemed to be lots of gifts, food, family, and love; lots of love.  However, there is always something about days like today, days set aside to celebrate a person, that makes me take pause.  It's not just Mother's Day, it's Father's Day, Sweetest Day, Valentine's Day, and yes, even birthdays.

I'm not judging people who go all out for these days.  I just wonder about people who don't have moms, people who don't have kids to make them moms, those whose mom's were absent or not a part of their lives, those who don't have the privilege of time to spend with their moms/moms who don't have the time to spend with their children (working multiple jobs, incarcerated, living a way so they can send money home, etc...), those who don't have the disposable income to do something special.  I also think about why these types of days don't illicit the same feelings in me as it does the masses.

Today, I woke up bright and early.  Not because I wanted to but because there were things to do.  My kiddos from another mother came up from La Crosse with their dad.  They boys went to move Logan out of his dorm at the U of M.  The girls went to pick Taylor up from the farm.  She had been staying there to help her grandparents with the chores (feeding animals, cleaning the barn, and planting the garden).  We headed off to the store to get food. We made a few stops and got home just as the guys were finishing up.  The girls helped me prep food and we ate.  We ate a lot.  The guys stopped off at Whole Foods to get me a cheese cake to celebrate Mother's Day.  It was a sweet surprise because I had forgotten it was Mother's Day.  We ate the cheese cake without fanfare.  We spent a few hours together, I packed all the food home with my La Cross family (they don't get to eat the ethnic foods available to us here in St. Paul), and we hugged and said our good byes.  Like that, they were gone and everyone else went back to homework, chores, naps and work.

These types of celebration were always really important to my own mom.  It was always a big deal for us kids to make the day special for her.  She worked so hard everyday being the best mom she could so having one special day to show her how much we cared about her really mattered to her.  I'm not sure why that's not the same for me.  I have always been a believer that you should appreciate the people you love everyday.  You should do kind things for them everyday.  You should tell them how much you appreciate and love them everyday.  You should cook, give them gifts, and clean for them everyday.

Now that I am older, I wonder if my thinking was correct.  Maybe I should have created the routine around celebrating.  Maybe I should have made these days a bigger deal.  When you don't practice receiving, you don't give people the opportunity to give.  What if I haven't instilled the right values in my children and spouse?  What if they don't do the things they are suppose to everyday and now I just gave them an out for not having to even do it on the one day designated for it?  I don't know.  I guess only time will tell...so Mother's Day?