Identity change and what that has led us to

2019 was a big change year for our family.  It would be obvious to say that starting my first term in the State Legislature as a Freshman Representative was a life changing event but the truth is, there was one other change that made a greater impact on our family than this.  It was Ayden's decision to quit gymnastics.

Ayden started rec gymnastics when she was just 3 years old.  I remember in trial class, she was the only child that could hold her own weight on the rings.  She was also able to whip herself in circles on them.  After the trial, the teacher came out and said that they wanted her to start on teams but they worried she was too young.  Indeed she was so we all made the decision to enroll her into rec classes until she was old enough to become a USA gymnast.

Interestingly enough, Ayden did not like gymnastics.  She had anxiety separation so she hated leaving my side to attend class.  On a regular basis, she would cry through the entire class and more than once, she wet herself.  After months of this, I decided gymnastics was not the right fit for her and took Ayden out.  We tried Kuk Sool Won Korean Martial Arts, ballet, tap, Brownies, acting, art/drawing and modeling.  Ayden became a forms gold medal champion in martial arts, an amazing artist, and her acting/modeling career took off.  Ballet, tap, and Brownies...not so much.

We went over two years without having gymnastics come up once.  Despite how well she was doing in the other areas of interest, I couldn't help but notice how strong and flexible she was in martial arts.  We decided to give gymnastics another try.  When Ayden was 5, we enrolled her in Spirit gymnastics at Hamline University.  I didn't want to invest a lot of time and energy into it in case it didn't work out again.

This time, it stuck.  Right away, she was identified for teams and from there on out, we didn't look back.  The feedback we often got was that she was really physically gifted but she had concentration issues.  Ayden was more interested in playing with her friends than focusing on the skills.  I mean she's five, right?  Isn't that what all five year olds want (it turns out Olympians have the right balance of skill and concentration from a very early age...a post for another day)? After less than a year, we ran into some issues with what the coaches wanted for Ayden and what we wanted for her so we left Spirit and started at Midwest Gymnastics.

Ayden stayed at Midwest and trained for almost ten years there.  She went from being a level 4 USAG to level 9.  After a decade of training 5 days a week for 20 hours a week, Ayden officially called it quits in May of 2019.  Four years of injuries (3 fractured ribs, a fractured ankle, back issues, and a fractured tibia straight through and into her growth plate) her goal of being a Level 10 Junior Olympic gymnast and obtaining a Division I scholarship seem to be out of reach.

Though she was only 15 and just a Sophomore in high school, coming back from months of being out with a broken leg would not have been impossible but to achieve what she had set out for would have been improbable.  Maybe she could have been a Level 9 Westerns Champion and a Division III athlete but Ayden didn't want that.  After much thought and agonizing deliberation, she decided it was time to end that chapter of her life.

While all this was happening, I was busy spending days and nights at the State Capitol trying my best to do right by my constituents.  Ayden I would check in but she seemed to have it all together.  We talked through the pros and cons of continuing or quitting and I assured her that whatever she decided, I would support her completely.  Though I was speaking those words, a little part of me died inside.

You see, it was my dream to be an Olympic gymnast.  When I was in 7th grade, my gym teacher saw potential in me and brought a coach in to gym class for an assessment.  Though I wasn't "discovered" until this very late age, they thought there might still be hope for me.  A few years earlier, I watched Mary Lou Retton win the Gold medal for the United States.  After seeing that, I secretly wished it for myself.  Unfortunately, as a poor kid born into a refugee family, my parents did not have the means or resources to make this is happen for me.

I put all that aside because I understood I could not live vicariously through my child.  I patted myself on the back for being such a good and supportive mom.  What I didn't realize was this was a major mom failure moment.

A few months after Ayden's decision to stop doing gymnastics, we had a conversation about her exploring other sports.  I was frustrated that after all this time, she hadn't thought about what other interests she could direct her energy into.  She had been sitting around for months doing absolutely nothing.  So the next conversation we had, instead of asking her what she wanted to do, I asked her how she felt.  We were in the car on the way home from school.  She looked over at me and said, "I'm good."  I followed with, "How are you feeling about not doing gymnastics anymore?"  Her response, "Good".

I shared with Ayden that her quitting gymnastics had been really hard for me.  That for 10 years, I was known as the mom with this awesome gymnast that was going to go on to do amazing things.  I spent years driving her back and froth to practice, buying leotards and gear, traveling with her to out-of-state meets, and spending time with all of the other moms of high performing athletes.  With her fractured tibia, we...I mean she...had missed a whole season of competition.  I had no videos or pictures of gravity defying skills to post on Facebook.  My identity had been so wrapped up in her being a gymnast that I wasn't sure who I was without her being in this sport.  I shared my struggle with people's questions of how gymnastics was going.  Then I said to her, "...and I'm just the mom.  If I'm having this hard of time with my identity, I can't imagine what you must be going through right now."

Because I had my eye on the road, I didn't turn over to look at my kiddo until I finished my monologue.  As I looked over, my tiny love's face was streaming tears.  She proclaimed that she wasn't crying to which I responded, it's okay to cry. You are mourning.  Your whole identity has been defined by gymnastics.  It's okay to be sad about what you've lost and afraid of not knowing who you are.  She jokingly blurted out, "This is why you need to be around more.  That's exactly I how I feel but I haven't been able to process this without out.  You know dad is no use in this area!"  Her biggest disappointment was that she left on a injury.  She hadn't built her skills back up, she hadn't tumbled in over 5 months, and her state ranking dropped to the bottom.

We made our way home and we embraced each other.  We hugged for what seemed like an eternity.  My last words to her was that it's okay to grieve but we can't stay in the sadness.  Having to quit could be your demise or a blessing in disguise.  With 20 hours a week freed up, there was a world of opportunity in front of her.  She just had to believe this was the case.

You would think after my amazing mom moment that she would have found strength in it and immediately channeled all of her energy into the next thing.  Boy was I wrong.  It would take months after that before she would start trying new things.

I am proud to report that five months after Ayden quit, she has found new endeavors that she loves.  She's diving for the club Minnesota Diving Academy which practices at the University of Minnesota.  She also picked up Cheerleading and is doing competitive cheer at Northern Elite Allstars in Bloomington.  She quickly progressed in both and was put on the elite teams even though she had no experience in either of them.  Last but definitely not least, she was casted in the show Neighbors at the History Theater where she is even getting paid to perform.  Ayden now finally also has the time to continue honing in her art skills.

I asked Ayden the other day if she missed gymnastics and she said yes.  I followed with, would you like to go back? Ayden responded, "I love gymnastics.  I didn't stop because I stopped loving it but it was the right decision. I like not being in pain every day.  I like not having my joints hurt.  I did't realize that I was living with constant pain until I stopped doing it. And to be honest, I love Cheer and I like diving more and more.  I don't regret quitting."

And with those words, I accepted that though I no longer had an elite gymnast, I had a beautiful child that learned how to move on from loss.  A child who understood that no one was going to live in her tiny little body or care for it after it was used and broken but her so she made a life changing decision and found the light at the end of the tunnel.  She was the ultimate champion, gold medal or not.

Halloween inspired drawing

Other digital art Ayden created

Ayden almost landed on her teammate who rolled out just in time

First competition.  The team will clean up the routine before competing in St. Louis in a few weeks.

One and a half front dive

Inward Flip

I believe in signs...

“I believe in signs....what we need to learn is always there before us, we just have to look around us with respect & attention to discover where God is leading us and which step we should take. When we are on the right path, we follow the signs, and if we occasionally stumble, the Divine comes to our aid, preventing us from making mistakes.”― Paulo Coelho

I went nearly my whole life without ever seeing an eagle up close.  Oddly enough, in the recent weeks, I have seen two Eagles.  I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let's rewind back to a few years earlier.

The day we laid my maternal grandfather, Colonel Jonah Xu/ Nhia Xou Yang, to rest, it was a wet and gloomy day.  I remember an eagle was circling overhead and someone made a comment in passing that the eagle was grandpa.  No one thought about it again.  Then, on the day we laid to rest my great grandfather, my grandfather Yang's step father, it was noted that an eagle also circled overhead.

Once, maybe it's coincidence.  Twice? I have always been a big believer that people's energy/spirit lives on and is always with and around us.  That they will manifest themselves in physical ways to let us know they are with us and watching over us.  I believe the eagle was my grandfather's spirit.  Since those times, I haven't seen or thought about eagles again until these past two weeks.

On Thursday, October 10, I was dreading driving all the way up to Duluth for an event.  I was suppose to speak about my bill to eliminate child marriages but I didn't really understand the context I was speaking about it in.  I had a hard time finding the location because of construction and I was super tired from getting very little sleep.  All of which did not make for a pleasant day.

When I arrived, I learned that I would be speaking on a panel.  One of the panelist was Mike Peeblera, Director of the short Evie.  A story about forced child marriage.  This was Evie's debut screening.  Director Peeblera and the other panelists were amazing and the audience was engaged throughout the session.  They had genuine interest in my bill and the political will for this type of change.  I spent a bit of time afterwards speaking with the Director and completed a short interview for PBS.

I left that space feeling like this work matters.  I had to drive long distance and I was tired but the trip was worth it. On my home, driving down I35E, an enormous eagle flew down right in front of my car and carried away prey.  I couldn't help but feel like it was my grandfather validating that my work matters and that no time or energy is wasted on important work.

Then on Friday, October 25, I traveled down to Rochester to present with Lisa Archer, Director of the the birth center at United Hospital, on advocacy at the Minnesota Breastfeeding Coalition conference. Again, being a new legislator and having a new Legislative Aide, we did not know to ask all the questions needed in order to decide if I even have the right credentials to speak.  I mean I breastfeed two kiddos but I wasn't sure I was the right person to be sharing with professionals of this topic on how to do advocate for issues they deal with everyday.  I was dreading attending because I didn't want to let anyone down.

On my drive to Rochester, as I was traveling on Highway 52, another giant eagle swooped down right in front of my vehicle to scoop up prey off the side of the road.

I made my way to the conference and like Duluth, this event surprised me.  The feedback from conference goers was that the presentation was the perfect mix of stories that really resonated with them and factual knowledge that they could use to advocate for others.  One person stated that in all the years she had been coming, this was the first time she had ever heard women of color present and share their stories.  The presentation was so touching she had to fight back tears.  I gave her a big hug.

With both incidents, I was traveling at 70 miles per hour and yet the eagles came right across my path.  I saw them with great clarity.  I can't help but believe that it was my grandfather validating for me that I need to keep doing this work.  That it's hard but I gain as much doing it as I make an impact on others.

Because I believe in signs, I believe my grandfather is still with me and guiding me in my work and on my journey.