Explaining Slut, Whore, and Ho to my Middle Schooler

11th Birthday.  Get ready middle school!

Today when Ayden and I were showering (Yes, my jr high child still showers with me.  It was something I consciously decided with my girls.  I never wanted them to be ashamed of their bodies or be embarrassed about nudity.  A post for another day) she told me that she heard kids using the F word.  She asked me what it meant.  I told her that it is a really bad word and that she shouldn’t use it.  When she is old enough, I’ll tell her what the word means.  This lead to us into a conversations about other words she has been exposed to since graduating to middle school.

A:  Mom, there’s this word, I think it’s “slug” or something like that.  Why do people use that word as a swear word?  Oh, and I also heard the word “wore”.  Do you know what those words are?

K:  Yes, those are words that men call women who date and kiss (she doesn’t know people have sex for recreation yet) a lot of boys.  Interesting because when men date and kiss a lot of girls, we don’t call them similar mean names.  We say things like “He’s got game” or “Player” like it’s a game and he’s good at it.  We are a society that demonizes women for the same behavior we applaud men for.  We call that sexism.

A:  That’s not right.  You know, mom, there’s this other word.  It’s like the garden tool.  I can’t recall what it is.  

K:  You mean “ho”.  

A:  Yeah, “hoe”.  What does that word mean?

K:  Well, “ho” is the slang of “whore”.  Ho, whore, and slut are all words used to describe women negatively and they all have a similar meaning.  

A:  Don’t they call men “man-slut”?  

K:  Yes but it is a relatively new term and it really just loops back to how we view women.  When we use that term, we are in essence saying he is as bad as a woman who dates a lot of men.  We are still not holding that man accountable.

A:  That is interesting mom.

K:  You know, women also help uphold our sexist and patriarchal culture.  That’s why being conscious of this and standing up when we hear these words being used is really important.

A:  What would I say?

K:  You can say, “Hey, that’s not an appropriate term.  Do you understand how sexist that word is?  Slut shaming is not oaky.  Especially not at school.”

A:  I’m never going to remember that mom.  Maybe I can just tell them using that type of hurtful word in a school environment is not appropriate.

K:  You just say what sits right with you.  It’s practice.  The more we learn to stand up, the easier it will get. 

My initial thought was, how is it possible that my kiddo is so naïve and innocent?  How is it that she is in middle school and this is the first time she has heard these words?  Then I thought, I’m glad it has taken this long.  She will have a lifetime of hearing the negative words people use to hurt each other.  Ah yes, a conversation about race and Ferguson with Kiddo #1 and sexism with kiddo #2, the life of a mom ain’t easy.

Blackfish Reflection

Kong and I watched Blackfish last night. It was heartbreaking.  After the movie we could not help but wonder why SeaWorld made the decisions that it did and why they put human beings in danger in the way that they did.  The only thing we could think of was economics. 

I am not judging SeaWorld.  People are willing to consume which is why it exists.  It is just for Kong and me, this movie really struck a chord.  It made us think about an incident that happened when our girls were much younger. 

About seven years ago we attempted to take the girls to the circus.  As we were walking into the Target Center there were protesters with posters and signs showing images of circus animals in inhumane conditions.  I watched the eyes of my then 7 year old widen and her smile diminish.  I remember her asking me what the protest was about.  In the 5 minutes that I had, we talked about the perspective of the protesters.  Taylor decided on the spot that she did not want to participate in keeping wild animals in captivity and forcing them to perform for entertainment.  Needless to say, we did not attend the circus that day.  Since then we have not gone to a zoo, the circus, or any venue that keeps wild animals in captivity. 

Understand that this post is not meant to judge people who frequent this type of venue.  I have very fond memories of going to the circus with my family.  I have heard the pros and cons of captivity.  How it is the only way to keep species going extinct alive.  I'm not saying there is a right or a wrong answer.  Like all things worth thinking about, it is complicated.

For our family, wild beasts are magnificent and powerful and should not be contained.  There are a lot of things we can cut out in addition to zoos and circuses so as not to be hypocrites, however, realistically, it is highly unlikely that we can cut out everything.  We are by no means tree huggers or PETA members but if with each small act we can make the world a better place for its inhabitants, why not try? 

Like My Own

Today I heard Bruno Mar's song Just the Way You Are on the radio.  It's the first time in five months that I heard this song and I didn't immediately start crying.  This was my brother-in-law's (Kong's brother) song for his wife, Stacy.  We lost her to breast cancer back in February.

Stacy was an amazing human being.  Just the kindest, most gentle soul.  She was smart and strong too.  So naturally, her offspring (our nieces and nephew) are also amazing children.  The three months following her passing we traveled to LaCrosse, WI every weekend. Since then we've continued to see each other.  Not every weekend but still, almost every weekend.  Being together is never any work.  Our kids love spending time together, we always have loads of fun, and we all genuinely love being together.

Last weekend the kids stayed in St. Paul with us.  While sitting in the theater waiting for Taylor and Ayden's show to start, Julia turned to me and said, "Aunt Kaohly, remember a long time ago, you know, when we use to see each other every weekend, we should do that again."  So Logan turned over and said, "Yeah, why did we stop doing that?"  I explained to them why to which Julia replied with, "I know how we can fix all of this, you should just move to LaCrosse.  Then we could see each other all the time."  Julia said that she would spend this week looking for jobs for her Uncle Kong and me.

We have always been close as a family but I didn't realize how much closer we had grown to each other these past five months.  Julia (the youngest) is not a touchy feely person so it says a lot that she always wants to sit next to me, lay by me and be near me.  Sure, half of that time we spend pretend punching each other but still.  That's saying something, right?

I guess when I heard the Bruno Mar's song today maybe I didn't immediately burst into tears because instead of reminding me of Stacy's passing it reminded me that I had gained three kids.  Three kids that I love like my own.  No one will ever replace Stacy.  I just hope that what little love I can give completes the kid's hearts just a little bit.

16 Years

February 10, 1996 - The day we got engaged - Valentine's Dance, UW Madison HASA Party

Today is our anniversary.  Sixteen years ago I married my soul mate and best friend.  Well, I can say that now but back in 1997 I almost called off the whole thing.  Ask me about that story another time.

I remember meeting Kong on a gloomy day in April.  I saw him on the back side of Bascom Hill in front of the commerce building after our Accounting200 test in 1994.  We had met a few times prior but the timing had not been right.  Even before that day, what I always remembered about Kong was that he never asked me dumb questions like, "What's your favorite color?"  or "What's your lucky number?"  We always had really interesting conversations.  We talked about things that mattered.

From that day forward we started studying accounting together.  Eventually studying spilled over to spending time together outside of class.  We quickly became friends.  I schooled him at pool, he introduced me to blues, I exposed him to theater, he taught me how to ride a motorcycle, and so much more.  Most importantly it didn't matter what we did, we just had a great time doing it together.

On June 28, 1997 we made our friendship official.  We tied the knot.  Our time together hasn't always been as fairytale as it appears but the good has out weighed the bad.  We have stuck together through thick and thin.  The one thing that has helped us through the tough times is knowing that neither of us is perfect and that until we found each other, no one loved us completely, as whole individuals with all the good and bad.

Here's to 19 years of being together and 16 years of marriage.  I couldn't imagine being on this journey with anyone else but you.  Thank you for loving me and always thinking I was the bomb even when I wasn't.  For not seeing the 40 pounds I had gained or how thin my hair has gotten.  I love you with all my heart.

Badass Kong on his bike.  Circa 1992.  Loved riding that with him though initially, it scared me to death. 

 

Kaohly, Circa 1992.  Big hair-check, see through sleeve dress-check, cheesy girl pose-check.

June 28, 1997.  Thanks for selling your most prized possession (the above pictured motorcycle) to come up with your portion of our wedding fund.  Note for the record that the funds were not used for a bride price but for our wedding itself.  Also note that I paid for a larger portion of our wedding then Kong did.

This is the loving through thick part.  I know it's going to be hard to believe but this picture was taken just 1 year after we got married.  I have no idea how much weight we gained but we look like totally different people.  If weight is an indicator of happiness, then damn, we must have been really happy!

16 years later we are a little wiser, a little healthier and a whole lot happier.  We have actually been told by people that we are aging in reverse.  I hope the trend continues.

My parents: Joua Yang and Tsuchue Vang on their wedding day

Kong's Parents:  Zoua Lo and Cher Tou Her on their wedding day

This post would not be complete if we didn't acknowledge the people that got us here.  For their generation, our parents were people ahead of their time.  In today's terms they would be considered radical/liberal/outside the box thinkers.  Our parents were unique for they married out of love (not arranged/forced).  Had they not set this example for us we would never have known that we had the right to choose and that love matters.  Thank you mom and dad for trailblazing for us.

Almost Lost It Today

Today is day 3 of my Orange Rhino challenge.  The first two days were easy peasy.  Today, not so much. 

It all started last night.

• Taylor was up until 11:00pm because she did not start packing for her week long 100 mile bike trip early enough. This meant that I was up all night doing laundry.
• When I supervise snack time after school I ensure that a snack is really a snack.  Unlike dad, who eats stuff right out of the container, there is no measuring how much you have eaten until it's too late.  This led to Ayden skipping dinner because she had stuffed herself with popcorn.
• In light of bullet point 2, Ayden woke up at 9:30pm with a tummy ache and starving.  I had to feed my child and put her back to sleep.

This morning people woke up crabby and irritated.  I suspect due to lack of sleep.  Me included.  Engulfed with anxiety over if she had packed accordingly for her trip, Taylor asked a million questions but displayed great disdain over the answers she was given.  It took everything in me not to be mad at her for her tone (Tiger mom almost reared her ugly head).

Ayden woke up late, had to be reminded of all the things she left undone from the day before, and opted to do what she wanted to do rather than what she needed to do.  You don't get to spend 10 minutes choosing earrings if you haven't eaten breakfast.  Nutrition trumps fashion.  Something we struggle with daily.

I almost lost it at least 3 times today.  There could have been yelling, tears and hurt feelings from all parties but instead it was calm.  I don't think Taylor liked what I had to say but I have to remember that I am the mom.  It's my job to teach them.  They won't always like what I have to say because it is not what they want to hear.  I have to remind myself that what is important is that they learn how to speak when they feel emotional.  They can only do this is if I model it for them.  They will love me and thank me one day.

The Orange Rhino Challege

 

(Doing it for these two beautiful people.  The best two things I ever made from scratch.  Look at the fun we have when I'm not yelling.)

I know that there is still a lot for me to work on regarding my health and fitness but bettering myself means seeing and acknowledging all that is wrong with me and making an effort to change those things as well.  Since you have all done such a wonderful job holding me accountable for my food, nutrition and weight loss goals, I hope you don't mind me adding one more thing for you to help keep me honest about.

It may come as a surprise to some of you but I am a yeller.  My parents did the best job they could raising me.  I know that if they could have done things differently, they would have.  That said, when I was growing up, I thought often (I mean really often), about the type of mom I wanted to be, how I would do things differently and the relationship I wanted to have with my children.  It was my life dream to be a mother and to nurture little souls and guide them.

When Taylor was born I was the model mom.  I gave my child options, I taught her everything (every moment was a teaching moment), spoke to her in a way that allowed her to know she mattered, I nurtured her and I explained everything to her with patience (yes, started doing it when she was only a few months old).  I always believed that children were capable of so much more than people gave them credit.  Up until Taylor was 4 I don't recall ever yelling or raising my voice at her.  I recall my mom saying to me, "You love Taylor so much how will you ever be able to discipline her when she gets older?" 

I attribute Taylor talking at 9 months old, using multiple word sentences by the time she was 1 1/2, expressing her feelings instead of throwing tantrums and her extreme affection to how I raised her these critical first few years.  To be honest, neither one of my kids ever threw a tantrum in public or at home.  Ayden tried once or twice but they never grew into full blown tantrums.

Reflecting back on the type of mother I was then and the type of mother I am now, I can see why things have turned out as they have.  When you aren't busy yelling your kids hear you.  When you remain calm you are able to find better solutions.  And when you are not crazily emotional, your kids know what to expect hence they know what to do.

I don't know when this all changed and why it changed.  Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had no expectations of my kids when they were small.  I knew that their role was to explore and learn.  Now that they are bigger I set a lot of expectations on them.  Sometimes unrealistic expectations which I have neither given the skills or the tools in order to succeed at what I am asking them to do.  For some reason, I magically expect that they will figure things out on their own.

Because I don't like the person I have become.  Because it makes me sad when they are sad.  Because I feel horrible when I yell.  I have decided that I will be embarking on the 365 day Orange Rhino Challenge.  Today is day 1.  So far so good since the girls have been at school all day.  Other personal challenges I may need:  365 Days of Not Being Condescending, 365 Days of No Emotional Abuse and 365 Days of No Over Reaction.  I'll start with this one and see what happens.

Reflections On What Works For Me

Not the most elegant pose or flattering picture but acknowledging that I have come a long way.

Reporting back after my cousin's wedding.

- I only juiced once
- I ate too much
- I didn't work out
- I had some self control issues

Today I am bloated, swollen and feeling icky.  So, instead of sleeping in I got up and did my usual work out.  I will also be biking 9.2 miles today.  Our family decided that after the bad food weekend we would bike to see a movie at Riverview Theater instead of drive.  We also decided no popcorn and no soda.

All of that said, as I worked out today, I reflected on things from this weekend.

1. In a million years I would never have thought to wear a stand out of the crowd, fitted red dress.  Why is this?  Even when I was thinner (many years ago) I did not have the confidence to pull it off.  I was never secure enough in my body to make such a bold statement.
2. Though I am no longer obese, I am still greatly over weight (20 pounds over weight to be exact).  Despite this fact I received many compliments on how good I looked. 
3. I was not wearing spanx (for my men followers that is the undergarment that women wear to smooth out their rolls and give them shape) and wearing barely any make up.  I was told that my skin, not one of my best features, was glowing and my back fat (I wish there was a nicer name for this), was non-existent.

The difference in my shape and my skin I can attribute to the change in my life style.  The juicing has greatly reduced the "fine lines" from aging, has tightened up my skin, and has put natural color back into it.  As for the change in my body shape, it's my new exercise routine. 

I always thought that in order to lose weight I needed to do rigorous cardio.  I would push myself to run, elliptical, bike, etc...for an hour to an hour and a half.  The only results I ever saw were injuries.  Repetitive motion is not my friend. 

About 2 months ago I changed my routine.  I started running 1.5 miles (much less cardio than I use to do) at a steeper incline and added more resistance training.  I lift over 26,000 pounds in each work out and I squat 50 times using a 10 pound medicine ball doing tricep extensions after each squat.  I am strategic about the areas of my body I am trying to slim down and smooth out.  When I lift weights I do so using tabada interval timing (20 seconds on, 10 seconds off, 8 times).

I always thought that if I burned a lot of calories and lost weight that the shape of my body would just improve.  I know now that is not the case.  Well, that is not the case for me and all I can do is speak for myself.  This has been a long journey of trial and error but I am thankful to finally find what works for me.  Wishing everyone luck on their struggles and their journey.