Me...caretaker?

I was working in the front yard on Sunday (June 1) and there was a lot of people traffice because of the Grand Old Days celebration on Grand Avenue. Since spring has been slow to come in MN I did not begin planting and yard work until this busy Sunday.

After a long day of sitting in the sun, planting flowers in pots, moving my perennials, planting new perennials, weeding...you get the idea; I looked tired, dirty and dark (yes, I get really dark being out one day in the sun - not sure if it's a curse or a gift). I was finishing off my work watering all the new plants near the front of my yard.

A middle aged couple stopped in front of my house to admire a blooming bush. The husband walked up my front steps, walked through my landscaping and sniffed my flowers. Though this act on its own seems harmless I need to add that I was standing not more than a few feet from this man who completely ignored me and acted as if he had all the right in the world to do as he pleased in my yard without a gesture of acknowledgement. I later learned why.

After a few lingering sniffs by my neighbor I politely interrupted and said, "Hello". Without looking at me or making eye contact he asked me the name of the plant. This is how the rest of the conversation went. K is me and NM is Neighbor Man and NW Neighbor Woman.

K: I'm not sure what it's called. It's been here long before me.

NW: Did you take care of the property when the house burned down also?

K: I'm not sure who took care of the house then. I've only lived here for two years. I am the third owner of this house since the fire.

NW: Oh...how do you like living here?

K: Well, I like it just fine. The house is beautiful and I love it.

NM: Another neighbor has a blooming bush just like this and the flowers are magnificent. You don't know the name?

K: Sorry. I don't.

NM & NW: Oh well. Have a good day.

K: Thanks. You too.

Innocent enough, right? After the conversation something just didn't feel right. The conversation was a bit odd when factoring in the tone of the couple, their body language and their choice of words. It finally dawned on me that these people thought I was the help and not the owner of the home.

For those who are not familiar with St. Paul, we live in an affluent, old and quaint area of town. We are one street removed from the mansions on Summit Avenue. That being said I guess when certain people see a person of color working on a yard I guess they automatically assume they are the help, not the property owner. I'm sure these people are very nice and well meaning but this incident served as a reminder that though we've come a long way as a country as it relates to race, we need to go much further to dispel the stereotypes and myths that have been ingrained in all of us.

Think about it. If these people are in careers where they are in hiring roles how do you think they view a person of color interviewing for a job? Are people conscious enough to check their biases and stereotypes at the door so that it doesn't influence their hiring decision? Is everyone given a fair shot for the same job? Seeing that most people do not believe they are racist or have racial biases you tell me...

Baby Rat-bits

Earlier this week we discovered a rabbit's nest with seven bunnies in it. It has been great fun for Kong and the girls to catch and "play" with the bunnies. I reminded Kong the last time he caught baby rabbits what happened to them.

For those who don't know the story, when we lived in IL, a rabbit made a nest right under the girls swing set. I came home late from work one day to find that Kong and the girls had caught the baby rabbits and brought them into the house. I pulled Kong aside to ask him his intentions and he said that they were just going to keep the rabbits for a few hours then put them back. I wasn't sure if my rabbit knowledge was correct but I thought that if the babies had human scent on them the mother would either kill or abandon them. Kong was very confident this was an old wives tale.

After discovering that the baby rabbits had fleas Kong and the girls reluctantly put them back. A few days later the girls were playing outside and Taylor discovered that the baby rabbits were all "asleep" under the big pine by our house. The truth was the babies had been killed by their mother but I didn't have the heart to tell them. They were all mangled and bitten. To this day they don't know the truth.

So anyway, this time they all did their best not to touch the babies so they used a fishing net and branches to corral the babies into a box. I know they are cute but I can't get over the fact that they are not all that different than rats. Yish! I guess I might have made mention of that one too many times (see video clip).

I was very adamant that they not touch the rabbits because 1) they are probably filthy and flea infested but more importantly, 2) since we do not have any shrubs or pines in our current yard I did not want to see baby rabbit parts spread throughout the yard. To prevent this scenario Kong and the girls came up with the brilliant idea of putting the fishing net over the nest so that the mommy rabbit could not come back to do harm to her babies. It worked. By the end of the week they all got bigger and ran away. There is only one left. Thank goodness!

A new post - Finally!

FYI: Disney pictures down below if you want to skip the update.

Goodness how time flies. It's been nearly two months since the last post. Life has been busy and work demanding making it tough to do everything I intend to.

I have been feeling a great sense of guilt. I have not been volunteering as much at the girls school nor have I been making time just to hang out with them. Now that they are bigger, I find myself reverting back to my old self. Instead of playing with them when I have a spare moment, I find myself cleaning or tidying things up. I realize that this is really the time I should be spending more alone time with each child separately. I find the girls are more open and cuddly when they don't have to compete for my attention. This is on my list of "things to be more conscious of and to do".

Taylor was just invited to join Black Belt club. Her hard work and dedication earned her a special invitation to particpate. This means that she will be taught weapons along with have the ability to get more 1:1 time instruction. This also means she can attend the adult class as she has the ability and maturity to do so. I am so proud of her. She loves Kuk Sool and could spend everyday there if she could. Black Belt club meets for two hours extra on Saturday's so I'll use this special time to spend and focus solely on Ayden.

I did make it to school to have lunch with each child last week. It was a surprise so they didn't know I was coming. I know in a few years they will very likely be upset that their mom is showing up at school to have lunch with them. For now I'll cherish these moments, their smiles and their excitement to see and spend time with me.

Kong and the girls made me a special Mother's Day breakfast. My gift was planted flowers in hand painted pots. I was very surprised. They made me pancakes and wrote, "We Love Mom" with chocolate chips in the pancakes. We also had turkey bacon (Yum!!!) It was very sweet. Here is a picture of me and the girls. We all look pretty mangy but it's because we were not properly groomed yet.
This is a clip of the girls singing a special earth song for me on Mother's Day. Ahhhh, I'm like mother earth, old and abused. Just kidding! I can't complain. I have amazing children and a caring husband.

Last weekend we had to take Ayden to the ER. I was making dinner because Kong's brother Meng and his family were coming over. While I was cooking, Kong asked Ayden to pick out a few books so that they could read together. As they started to read, I heard Ayden breathing very heavily. Of course her dad who was sitting right next to her completely missed that his child couldn't get enough air. I asked Ayden why she was breathing so oddly and she said very nonchalantly, "There is something stuck in my throat and I am having difficulty breathing."

Her breathing became more labored so I called the doctor and they told me to take her to the ER. Let me tell you that I was definitely freaking out. My greatest fear in life is losing one of my girls so I'm trying my best not to show that I'm scared to death. I asked Ayden if she put anything in her mouth, if she ate anything, if she sniffed anything unusual, to which she answered no.

Thank goodness the Children's hospital is very close to our house. As we drove down the hill of Summit Avenue, I asked if anything flew into her mouth on its own. My stinky proceeds to tell me that after Daddy asked her to pick out three books, she sat on the living room rug to look through the books. As she was sitting she saw a dust bunny flying in the air. It did two loops, to which she corrected and said it did five loops, then she watched it go into her mouth. We have wood floors on the first floor and in the living room there is a wool rug. Needless to say with the combination of wool and wood you will have dust bunnies whether you want to or not.

Though I was hesitant to believe Ayden's story, I was hoping it was true because a dust bunny is far less scary than an allergic reaction that closes air ways. By this point, her breathing was getting worse so I decided to have the ER doctors take a look and make their own evaluation. After two hours in the ER, much coloring and playing with princess dolls, we were given the clear to go home. Ayden enjoyed her ER trip so much that she asked if she could keep the hospital gown. For her it was a fun evening of dress up and coloring. For us, it was sheer terror. As we left the ER Kong asked me, "Do we still have to pay the $100 copay since it wasn't really an emergency?" I'm sure you all know the answer.

Last week Taylor got into a confrontation with a boy in her class. Taylor and a friend were talking about fairies and a boy classmate decided to join the conversation by telling them fairies are not real. Taylor was very upset by this and proceeded to debate with him and provide "facts" to support fairy existence. I was so torn about this situation. Taylor was tearing up when she told me about this incident. Anyone who knows anything about fairies knows that each time a person express their disbelief of fairies a fairy dies. She truly believe that on this day this boy killed at least 1,000 fairies.

So am I a horrible mom for letting my child continue to believe in magic and fairies? It's getting harder and harder to explain away why other children don't believe. It's amazing to me how critical and pessimistic children are at such a young age. I'm lucky that my Taylor is not like that. Taylor is one of those kids who is so smart that she's actually a little dorky. Considering that she has read more books in her 8 years than I've have my entire life she sometimes knows more than she really should. I feel like as an adult, I think there is still a part of me that does believe in magic, unicorns, fairies and mermaids. I still believe that just because I can't see, touch or feel something doesn't mean it isn't there. Isn't this the foundation for hope? The ability to come up with new ideas and solutions is built on creativity and imagination. Am I completely off on this?

I saw the pain my child was feeling and I let her come to the conclusion that as long as she believed in fairies and she continued to laugh (which again, if you know anything about fairies, every time you laugh a fairy is born), that fairies would never become extinct. She has decided that the fate of all fairies lies in her hands and that she must past this fairy knowledge on to her children and their children and so on. As long as someone believes, they will always be. So like the sad mom that I am, I did not dispute this conclusion.

Kong will start teaching an Intro to Finance class at Metro State University in the fall. He's excited about being an adjunct professor. I'm really proud of him as he has been talking about it for years. He was made to go into acadamia. This experience will provide him greater insight on whether he wants to go get a PhD in Finance and teach or stay in the corporte sector. He'll continue to work at Allianz in addition to serve on the board of St. Paul Kids Voting.

I'm not sure how many other people's children have found interest in the Democratic primary but my kids have. At the beginning of the race both girls told me they support Hillary Clinton because they want a female President. Trying to be a good mom I did not try to persuade them even though Obama is the far superior candidate. Two days ago Kong and I were watching CNN and Obama's picture was up on screen. Ayden pointed to the picture and said, "That's Barack Obama. I've decided that I'm going to change my vote from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama." I want to say that the political conversations we have with our girls are never initiated by us. They actually are truly interested in this primary and feel that their voice makes a difference. I don't think at 4 and 8 I ever put thought into politics. I don't think at 4 I knew who the President was.

Lastly, the long awaited Disney update. Yes, we went to Disney. We wanted to go before it was no longer magical for the girls. It was extremely stressful as we were first timers. Though it was not magical for us, the girls had a great time. I shutter to think of how much more fun it would have been for them if we were better parents. We suck! Surprisingly we spent less than we expected which didn't suck.
At the MSP airport waiting for our flight to Disney!!!!!
We made it!!!! Kong, Taylor and Ayden in front of Cinderella's castle. It looks like we are the only people here but looks are deceiving. If only we were : )
It was really warm our first day at Disney. It was a relief to be on an indoor ride. It's a Small World was the second ride we went on. We were limited on rides we could go on as a family. Ayden was either too small or the ride was too scary for her. You can see by Taylor's face that she's already tired and it's only our first day. I think it was the sun!
The parades were over the top-Lights and Fireworks! We also got to see a street parade re-enactment of High School Musical 2 which they loved, loved, loved.
The Animal Kingdon ROCKED! Best park of all.
The tree of life was amazing. Inside the tree is a 3d Bugs Life show. We had no idea what to expect. It was a phenominal show. Very real. So real that Ayden was scared. She cried and was very upset we brought her to something so scary.
My cuties. They wanted to hang out in this spot because there were ducks swimming around. Taylor believes that she can communicate with animals. We sat here for 20 mintues while the girls "communicated" with the ducks. We traveled all the way to Disney and they wanted to spend time seeing ducks. Go figure.

On the Safari ride we saw some really great creatures. Though I am not a fan of animals in captivity it was a nice experience. We saw animials that no longer exist in the wild. Very sad.

These gators were enjoying the FL sun.

We saw a mommy elephant with her baby who was born not long before we got to Disney. The girls got a kick out of seeing the baby because just as we drove by he took a big dookie. Good times.

Kong and Taylor went on this yeti ride. Not sure if that's what it's really called but they loved it. Taylor is fearless and went on every scary ride possible.

Next up, Epcot.
This was more fun than any ride for Ayden. Seeing that we had rushed them around all of the parks we thought it would be nice just to relax and play. Needless to say they were soaked and tired on the bus ride home. Like all the children, they zonked out on the ride back to the hotel each night.
At Epcot we had dinner at a restaurant in Moroco. The food was amazing but the service was not so great. Taylor and Ayden were mezmorized by the belly dancer. We bought Ayden a Morocan outfit which is very likely too fancy to ever wear anywhere and Taylor chose a belly dancing belt with coins hanging from it. It was not all that diffferent from the Hmong coin belts.
Epcot had a lot of green scupltures. In Japan we watched the Taiko (not sure if that's how it's spelled) drummers and made the rounds to the other parts of the Epcot world. We didn't let the rain stop us. We had lunch in Germany and stopped off in China to see Chinese acrobats and a unique 360 film.
Got to meet Mulan and Mushu in China. I was in this photo but cropped myself out. With the rain and humidity I thought I would spare you from having to see my hair. Mulan was very sweet and was very nice to the girls.

Face Painting at Hollywood Studios. Of course Ayden chose a princess theme and Taylor a cross between a mermaid and fairy.




We saw shows which included Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Nimo. The shows were very well done. Poor daddy...had to watch and do all of the girlie stuff. Kong was a great sport.













Princess Make overs at Cinderella's castle. The boutique was beyond imaginable. The girls were pampered like true Princesses. I don't think I have ever been treated this well at a salon. This was the girls favorite part of the trip. Up until this point they just wanted to stay at the hotel and swim.
Through out this process the girls never saw themselves in the mirror. This photo is the moment Ayden saw herself made up.












Their expressions were priceless and worth every penny.
Off to the Princess and Pirate Party. The girls met Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella. Ayden loved being made over so much that she came home the next day in full make over. Everyone at the airport and in the plane just ate her up. Since our return from Disney, she wears her costume nearly everyday (after school of course) and every where she can. She went in full costume to Penela's birthday and Pakou's baby shower - cape, glass slippers and all!

Warning...Long Post

A lot happened this past weekend. Ayden endured the hour and a half long Kuk Sool test and earned her yellow stripe. We are very proud of her. She was beaming after she received her stripe. Below are pictures from the test. The video clip is of her doing form. Because her form is shorter, she got confused at the end when she should have stopped but saw others were still going. Then she realized I was filming her and she became very embarrassed.

The same day Ayden tested, her beloved Ariel died. Not Ariel the mermaid but Ariel, her beta fish. Funny how different my girls are. Saturday, I came home to find an empty fish bowl in the kitchen sink. I went up to say "hi" to Ayden and she made no mention of her fish dieing. When I asked what happened to Ariel, Ayden said, "Oh yeah! Ariel died and we flushed her down the toilet." She said this with a tone of excitement. I'm sure she wasn't excited that Ariel died but that something different and exciting happened.

When Nicki/Rosie died, Taylor was extremely distraught so I wanted to make sure Ayden was okay. This is how our conversation went.

Kaohly: "Are you okay?"
Ayden: "Yep"
Kaohly: "How are you feeling?"
Ayden: "Good"
Kaohly: "Are you sad?"
Ayden: "No. It's okay that Ariel died. She got her head stuck in the sea shell and she died."
Kaohly: "What did you and Daddy do with Ariel? Did you bury her like Rosie?"
Ayden: "Nope. I prayed for her then Daddy flushed her down the toilet."
Kaohly: "So you're okay with Ariel dieing?
Ayden: "It's okay Mommy. We can just buy a new one at the pet store. They have lots of fish there."

Through out this whole conversation Ayden was smiling and playing and that's when it became so clear to me that my girls are polar opposites. Taylor is serious, takes personal accountability for everything, is extremely diligent, and feels emotions with great intensity. Ayden is silly, practical, logical and very "matter of fact". I can't believe I made these two very different but amazing girls. I don't know if I could possibly love anything more than them.

On the health/Weight loss front, I broke 160 late last week. After a not-so-good weekend of eating, I'm surprised that I've remained steady at 159. That's 23 pounds down from 11 months ago. The holidays really set me back. Realistically, I am hoping to be 150 by summer time. After that I'd like to lose 10-15 more pounds. I would still be considered over weight for my height but at least it will be lean weight.

Oh...one last thing. For those in the Twin Cities, there will be a screening of a film by a Korean Director about hierarchies and dynamics in the Korean family called, Family Project: House of a Father. Probably not much different than the family structure of a many East Asians so I'm sure even if you are not Korean, you'll be able to relate. The director will be present at the screening.

Date & Time: Monday, March 24, 2008, 7:00 PM - 9:00 PM
Location: Auditorium, Bell Museum of Natural History
http://onestop.umn.edu/Maps/BellMus
10 Church Street SE, Minneapolis, MN 55455
Cost: Free and open to the public

Beginning with her own personal story, director Yun K. Jo considers current hierarchies and dynamics in the Korean family. After spending much of his professional and social life away from the family, her father, a pensioner, realizes that his close relatives have become strangers. The director's mother, a little embarrassed and disapproving of the camera's presence, confesses to her daughter of having repressed her own ambitions and desires for the sake of the family and expresses her bitterness about having been treated with indifference by her husband, mother-in-law and children. For the children, now adults, communications are also difficult ? between themselves and with their parents. An ethnographic portrait of an ordinary Korean family at a moment of great social change, when the extended family system is being deconstructed.

ABOUT THE DIRECTOR: Yun Jo studied sociology at Seoul National University, Korea, and obtained her MFA degree in Film/Video/New Media from the Art Institute of Chicago, USA. Her great interests are the subjects of family and gender. Her first student film was a video documentary about childcare, followed by A Lullaby (1998) and Lost Tree (1999). Yun has also worked on video installation pieces, such as An Experiment on Gender and Gesture (2001), which was shown in many galleries both in Seoul and Chicago. Her video documentary Family Project: House of a Father (2002), which she directed, shot and edited, has been screened at many Film Festivals and was awarded the Grand Prize at the Women's Film Festival in Seoul. Now she is pursuing her PhD and teaching undergraduate film classes in Film and Media Studies at the University of Florida.

Weighing in on the debate...

I generally do not post my political opinions on this blog but I felt it necessary for me to do so after reading Geraldine Ferraro's comments on Barack Obama's success. Geradline was quoted saying, "If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept."

I have spent time reading through numerous blogs and article comments and its interesting to hear people say this is not a racist comment. If Barack's camp insinuated that Hillary is only where she is because she is a white woman, the comment would be considered sexist and racist. Feminist would be revolting all over the country. Many people have been saying Obama has been using the race card which I disagree with but even if it were true, how is it any different than Hillary using the gender card? Come on, crying? Using her motherly instinct to attack people who said that she was using her daughter to help her win super delegates?

When Obama's camp called Hillary a monster, the backlash was huge. I'm not saying I think Hillary is a monster but people commented on blogs that calling Hillary a monster is racist. What Ferraro said about Obama is just stating fact. I beg to differ. Calling Hillary a monster is a character judgement. Attributing Obama's success to the color of his skin, in essence, is saying he has nothing to offer and has no merit which is completely untrue. He wouldn't be where he is if the Democratic majority didn't believe he would be a kick ass President. This kind of thinking is racism speaking loud and clear.

I am truly disappointed at the state of our nation. Comments from Ohio saying people would vote for a women before a nigger. Comments from Chicago saying that if we have a black president, it would be blacks for blacks and it wouldn't be fair. That would mean that currently, everything is equal and fair for blacks and whites and having a black president would tip the scale towards black people. I'm not black but I am a minority and the last I checked, it hasn't been equal and it has never been equal. Qualified minorities with comparable work experience still make less than their white counter parts. Minorities are still viewed as less patriotic, and hard working than whites and on, and on, and on. Just check affirmative action stats. Unless Obama has the power as president to tell all white CEOs, Elected Officials, leaders of any organization, etc...to step down, and fill them with black people, then there is no possibility of a shift in power.

I think what bothers me the most is that people, and not just white people because I have heard the same comments from other minorities, assume that only a white person can be fair. That automatically, if a black person is the President, he would only care about black interest. Really????? Why is that the case? Why don't we automatically think a white President only has white people's best interest in mind? Are white people just inherently more fair because it's in their genetics?

It's funny because Kong and I said last night that if Obama was a white man, we would have already been President and would have been a President decades ago. Anyone remember JFK? Inexperienced, young, charismatic and able to unite a country. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Take this entry how you want to as you have the right to your own opinion. I hope Obama wins the Democratic nomination. I just don't like Hillary for my own personal reasons but I'll keep that to myself. She doesn't move or inspire me. By the way, I signed up with the Obama campaign today. If he gets the Democratic nomination, I want to do what I can to get him into office. My fear is that racist from all walks of life will show up in droves to vote against him out of ignorance and fear. There is no way Ohio is an island.

YES WE CAN - Obama.

Something New...Something Old

So I had a conversation with Ayden about being on the verge of testing for her yellow stripe. To my surprise, Ayden was excited about testing and she found renewed energy to return to the Kuk Sool Dojang. Yeah. Much easier than I expected.

I'm continuing to go to martial art class 3x a week and trying to do both work out classes. I've been pigging out on Girl Scout cookies so the extra classes have not been making a dent on my weight. I need to refocus. I've been sore after each work out session. PSBN does different exercises and routines every class. What that translate to is new muscles being worked every session which means sore muscles after every session. My calves have been killing me since Friday. They are finally feeling better today but I have a feeling my shoulders will be in pain for the next few days. You guessed it...Lots of upper body exercises today.

Taylor, Ayden and I attended our first Jool Bong (nunchucks) seminar this past weekend. It was wonderful. Taylor and I really enjoyed ourselves. I am so proud of Taylor. Every once and while I would peak over at her and see just how awesome she was doing. Ayden is another story. I don't think she understood the concept of not dropping her weapon. Each time someone in a group dropped their weapon, the entire group would have to do 10 push ups. 10 push ups doesn't seem like a lot but try 10 push ups every few minutes. That's literally how often she was dropping her Jool Bong. Needless to say, I don't know how much she actually learned. We can't wait for the next seminar.

It's been a while since I've included a video clip. Please don't lose all respect for me after seeing it. It's not bad enough that I helped think up the lyrics to this "rap" but my child is singing it. Have I no shame?

Tired already?

Ayden asked me today if I would leave her at home while Taylor and I went to Kuk Sool. She said that she was tired and didn't want to do Kuk Sool anymore. I was tempted for a moment but decided not to risk it. I just knew the one time I neglect one of my children I would get busted. I am guessing that telling Social Service, "At least I wasn't gambling" wouldn't cut it. Anyway, her instructors informed me of the fact that Ayden is very close to testing for her yellow stripe so Ayden and I will need to have a conversation about what this means to her. She's been using the line, "Mommy, I will do it if you want me to but I want you to know that I really don't want to. I'm just doing it for you." We'll see what happens.

Work has been very busy lately. My colleague is retiring so I'm taking on all of the major relationships in this market. Though most people believe that my job is rather cushy, I have actually been putting in a lot of hours on the weekends and in the evenings. My work goals are extremely challenging this year and we are being asked to do more with less. This is going to be a tough year. I'm already starting to feel the pressure.

On the home front, things have been good. I've recently felt a great sense of calm come over me. The mediating has been helping tremendously. I feel like this spiritual/emotional journey I have been on for the past three years is finally at a point where I have clarity. It seems like at all points in my life, just when I think I have figured things out, something changes and I need to figure it out again. I am having to reassess constantly. Am I the only person who has to do this? I am optimistic about the future. I am choosing to live life consciously, intentionally and in the moment.

Peace and Love